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| wow. 4 years later and bam. i'm kinda stunned yet not very surprised at all. it feels - right. it's madness. like good madness. but like scary madness. but like, oh you know what i man. in summary, i guess we'll float it out and see what happens. god knows, i have no expectations whatsoever about anyone or anything. life is better this way. | | |
| hello. it wasn't that long ago. but feels like fucking forevery, nay? ran into an old blog. had no idea that piece of crap is still in existence. the things i wrote about...embarrassing shit. couldn't even remember the password. once hotmail confirms, i believe i will delete. i've been in some kind of weird introvert mood lately. spent all of today on the lonesome. even had butter and kaya toast at oldtown on my own. don't know. don't feel like having anyone's company lately. youtube's better. youtube + tv series = balance. youtubing again. peace. | | |
| this is not a phrase i like to use but here it is anyway. i'm depressed. not your typical run of the mill, whiny sort of sadness people mistake for depression. but it's the kind that hits you harder in the gut. it's a virgin nothingness. a vacuum of bleakness. i don't even have it in me to cry. i want to. i think the release would be good. but everything is too black for me to even try and find any consolation in a few drops of tears. self-pitying tears would do me good but i feel numb. i know it's just a dam waiting to burst open. it gets harder each time. it really does. your heart doesn't ever mend back to its rosy former self. the dent stays. and when it happens again and again, your heart gets to the point where it no longer wants to be stupid enough to get hurt again. the worst thing about all of this is, i've lost all faith and hope in the possibility that things could ever be good for me. maybe that's it for me then. until the next life. | | |
| lalalalalalalalalaallalala/ so much happening in my head.
so dont go away, say what you say, say that you'll stay, forever and a day, in the time of my life, cos i need more timeee, yes i need more time just to make things rightttt.
sorry am listening to oasis. love this fucking song. i miss oasis.
and now i'm listening to the postal service. loves. it. like paris loves stupid things. except postal service is far from stupid.
i'm filling my head with other things. i should just stop watching grey's anatomy. cos i'm mcdreamy and he is meredith with his closet full of unresolved childhood issues. oh for god's sake. you need some sort of crazy faith to want to stay in this one. and my faith kinda ran out, so i'm sorry. i really just don't fucking know if i can do this. i used to be selfless. that didn't work out so great for me. but you're so great. and i don't know man. i just don't knowwww...lalalalalalalalala.
better go, i'm spewing crap.
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| my stomach is still doing all kinds of jumps and flips. this is no mere butterfly trying to make a point. it's a hurricane, a whirlwind of everything too big to name. last night, we both did the extraordinary. we let the gates down. i'm still not quite sure how it happened. one second we were talking about the days' trivialities and the next, we were telling each other all kinds of honesty. it's amazing this. i've spent almost a lifetime building my protective walls. didn't think it would be so easy to climb over and not look back...it's unsettling. unsettling how much my heart wants to explode from all of this. given the complications that come along with this kind of relationship, i can't tell you how long this will last or how this will turn out. if i was younger, i'd throw all caution to the wind and let myself feel boundlessly...fearlessly. but i'm older. old enough to know that i don't know very much at all. except that it's been years since i've felt this warm or this safe. it's been years... i won't lie. i am fucking scared right now. | | |
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